Conversations in our heads

Those conversations in our heads; you know how they go.  You get so angry at another person and you want to tell them off.  You want to show them how wrong they are.  Around and around the conversation goes in your mind.  They say this, you respond with a withering reply that is insightful and cutting at the same time.  These conversations are perfect, you have the right reply instantly, every time.  You are masterful, and when it is done you have driven your point home so clearly the other person begs your forgiveness for their stupidity.

Yeah, has that ever worked for you in real life?  Have you ever truly won this war?

Losing the war every time

It doesn’t really matter if this contest remains in our heads or if it comes out of our mouths, we lose this war every time because all we have done is created more anger in ourselves.  The anger is, of course, justified.  We are right, they are wrong.  You are superior, they are inferior.  A common ground is rarely reached when someone has to be wrong.  Without common ground we remain at war with the other person.  Remaining at war with another person is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Finding a common ground

My premise is that most disagreements arise from misunderstandings.  The stated issue is usually not what the argument is about, the disagreement stems from not hearing what the other person is saying.  I know, it takes a huge amount of self-control to back-off and begin again, but that is the most certain way to find a common ground.  Identify what the real issue is then begin again.

I have written a book called It’s All About Me that introduces a conflict resolution process I call the Involved Observer.  If you find yourself in this situation, reading this book could save your job, your relationship and your self respect.  Click on the cover below to see for yourself.

The Involved Observer